FUSSY EATERS: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD WON’T EAT
Children are rarely fussy when it comes to junk food.
A fussy eater is every parent’s nightmare. Feeding children is one of the basic responsibilities of being a parent, so when a child refuses to eat well, parents naturally feel worried and frustrated.
Children are rarely fussy when it comes to junk food.
The more anxious and frustrated a parent becomes over a child’s refusal to eat certain foods, the harder they try to get the child to eat. Normally this starts with gentle encouragement, then firmer direction.
For some children that’s okay if it’s not overdone. But many children react to being forced to eat something they don’t like by objecting and refusing. Parents don’t like to be disobeyed, and are concerned that their child gets enough nutrition to ward off illness and develop healthily. They love their child, and that’s their job.
So the parents get more frustrated and angry, and the child reacts by becoming more upset and stubborn. This is not the most conducive of environments for appetite stimulation, so the targeted food becomes less and less appealing as the tension mounts.
The Appetite Cycle
Donald Winnicott, a famous expert in early parent child relationships, did a little study with mothers and babies in his clinic in the 1930s. When the baby was sitting on the mother’s knee, Winnicott put a shiny object on the table in front of them. He noticed that the child looked at the object for quite a while, then started salivating, then picked the object up and put it in his mouth. This was the normal and natural series of events. Children have an instinctive desire to taste and feel things with their mouths.
But what was really interesting was that, if the mother [at Winnicott's request] picked up the object straight away and tried to put it in the baby’s mouth before the baby had time to observe and desire it, the baby would usually reject the object.
What this illustrates is that we humans need to be able to develop our appetite for foods. When a child is forced to eat something that she hasn’t had the opportunity to desire, she is likely to not want it. If the parent continues to force the child to eat and the child gets upset, she will associate that food with the uncomfortable experience, and dislike it more. So the negative cycle deepens.
Negative Attention
And how is all that parent focus affecting the child’s behaviour? Well, even though the child does not consciously enjoy or want the angry, nagging, worried attention of her parents, attention is attention. We know that intense attention from adults usually encourages the behaviours it is focused on, so when the parent freaks out over the child’s fussy eating, it can actually make things worse.
On top of that, it is common for fussy eaters to be labelled as such in the family. So the child who overhears himself being described as a ‘terrible eater’, or someone who ‘only eats bread and cheese’ now has a label, an identity. He doesn’t want to give away his identity in a hurry, so he becomes fussier and fussier, and more and more rigid.
So what should parents do?
The key is to not make a fuss and try to force your child to eat. Instead, try to relax and trust that they will be OK. Try to give less attention to the fussy child for not eating outside their rigid staple foods, and more attention when they experiment with other foods, even if it’s just a taste. Children are suckers for praise and encouragement, and they will usually prefer positive, warm attention, over anger and stress.
Perhaps you could put a small quantity of some untried or disliked in the past foods on a separate plate behind your child’s plate, and allow them to try them if they choose, without getting stressed and angry if they refuse. Resist the temptation to remind them to eat the new foods. If they don’t try them, just take the plate away calmly, without comment.
Alternatives to cooked vegetables
Think outside the box. If they dislike cooked vegetables, offer them raw vegetables. Kids are often fussy about textures, so allow them to find textures they like. Most kids like raw carrots, so you could make carrot sticks, or just wash a carrot and put that on a plate. Many children enjoy munching away like a bunny. Try a little peanut butter, almond butter, or cream cheese in a stick of celery. Fruits are a great aternative to vegetables too. Fresh raw fruit, low-sugar fruity deserts, and sundried fruits are all good.
Kids Love Games
You could try turning the situation into a fun game. For instance, you could tell them the ‘Rules of the Game’, is that they don’t have to eat any of the new foods, but for every piece they eat, they will get a counter, or a stamp or a tick on a chart, and once they have, say, five ticks, they can ‘WIN’ one of a selection of items. The number of ticks required could increase each week or month as they get better at it, like going up a level in a computer game.
Free Rewards are Best
Now at this stage many parents fall in the trap of promising expensive gifts or time consuming outings. But big rewards are not necessary. Most children respond well to free fun stuff, like hand made ‘vouchers’ offering 15 minutes playing cards with Dad, or 15 minutes playing ball with Mum. Just remember to make them do-able and follow through with the promises.
As well as ticks and rewards, give the child lots of praise and attention for every piece of new food they eat at first, then every second or third time, and gradually give praise now and then. Remember to incorporate the successfully tried foods on to the child’s plate once they have tried and liked them. Maybe an additional reward could be given for that step.
You could get everyone in the family in on giving praise and attention, including grandparents, aunts and uncles, but be careful to make it age appropriate, and not embarrassing for your child.
Medical Advice Can Help You Relax
If you are really worried about your child’s weight, growth and health, get advice from a doctor, nutritionist, or dietitian, if only to alleviate your anxiety. But again, be careful what you or they say in front of your child. It might be sensible to have a separate appointment or telephone appointment without your child first to discuss your concerns.
Powerful Positive Labels
Finally, remember to change your labels for your child. Instead of being somebody who is ‘fussy’ and ‘never eats anything’, start referring to your child as being ‘really brave with food now’, and ‘getting really good at trying new foods as she’s getting older’.
All of this should gradually shift the problem and change your fussy child into an adventurous connoisseur. You might even have to start hiding the caviar and sauteed snails.
I hope this helps. Let me know what you think and how you went by leaving a comment in the box. I’d love to hear from you. For more parenting tips and strategies for dealing with children’s challenging behaviour, go to my special site for parents: CHILD TRAINING SECRETS.
Happy parenting.
Lorri CraigPsychologist, MAPS
Dear Jason
Thanks for your comment. Your stepdaughter’s eating habits sound incredibly frustrating, so, first of all, congratulations to you and her mother for hanging in there. I was wondering if your stepdaughter might be picking up on and responding to the stress that you both might be feeling in response to her stubborn eating habits. As I said in the article, children love attention, and they can get quiet addicted to negative attention; not because they are mallicious, just because they are kids. Perhaps your stepdaughter got a reputation for being a quirky fussy eater very early in life, and this label has stuck in her psyche. Labels can be very hard to budge when they become part of our identity, and when we get attention and cudos for them. Her eating habits might have been a talking point and become part of the family history. Her secret eating supports this view. Of course, it would NOT be helpful to talk about this in front of her, because that would merely add to the problem.
What I would suggest is that you subtly suggest to your stepdaughter that children usually get better at eating different things as they get older or more grown up, and that this might happen to her. Most 6yo children want to be more grown up, so expanding her eating repetoire can become something to strive for, rather than avoid.
Then try to avoid giving any attention [including internal stressy attention or disapproving body language attention] to her for her quirky behaviour. Instead lather on the praise and attention for any deviations from her quirks, without referring to her quirks.
I would try the reward system again, but make sure the rewards are attention rich, for instance, playing a game together for 10 or 15 minutes every time she tries a previously unwanted food. Also remember to make a fuss and give her lots of praise and make sure you acknowledge that she is indeed getting better and braver at eating as she gets older. And before long you will be telling her that she is turning into a really good eater who will try anything.
Good luck.
If you get the chance, please let me know how you go.
Warm wishes
Lorri
My six year old step daughter refuses to eat even if it is things she likes. For instance she only eats mac and cheese out of the box. If we make homemade and tell her it is out of the box that is fine but if she sees us make it she will not eat it. If we cut pork chops up it little peices like chicken nuggets she will eat that and like it but not if she finds out it is not chicken nuggets. We have tried everything her dad has positive results with a reward system, we do not. She will not eat pasta if it is not elbows of the same size in kraft mac and cheese. She loves spaghetti but will not eat it if it is mixed together. I have raised her since she was two and she has been this way before then, my wife said she was picky as an infant and refused to eat anything but fruits even then. We have six between us and one together none of the other children are remotely she will eat when she is hungary and we can tell she likes it but it will take about a day and a half before she will finish the small portion of food she has been given. We are very thrifty and makes most of our food, we make our own dressing and mayo but she will only eat it if it is in the original jar and doesn’t know we made it. The funny thing is she really like it, but … Same with homemade dumplins she likes them but doesn’t eat them in front of us, as we peak around the corner she will eat them but if she knows we are watching it will be under protest if she will eat them at all.
Any help? Not worried about her starving she will eat when she is hungry but like I said that takes atleast a day. What does she want, what is she looking for? I know beleive this is her way of controling or having some kind of control but how do you break a six year old of this before we have an out of control teen? Other than this she is mostly a very good child, a little whinny about everything when she doesn’t get her way and this could last for all day. She would rather sit in her room and pout about nothing than go outside and play. We try to love on her ignore her and to e her her way nothing makes it better.
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