CHILDREN, SEPARATION and DIVORCE: Coping with Parent Wars

Separation can be a difficult time for everyone, but the effects on children can be profound and long lasting, particularly when there is conflict between the parents.

Children are delicate and sensitive beings. They naturally love and identify with both parents, and have a right to do so. When their basic family unit is shattered, so too is the child’s sense of the world as stable and consistant. They grieve their family, desperately miss which ever parent they are not with, and fear that they could lose everyone in their life at any moment. Sadly, on top of this they often lose their pattern of contact with grandparents and extended family, and they might even have to move home and school, so lose friends and teachers. So it’s not surprising that all this can feel overwhelming, confusing and distressing for children.

Add to that mix ongoing conflict between the parents, and you have far more than most children can cope with.

MINI DOUBLE AGENT

Imagine the situation. You are a child and you are living with one parent following a separation, let’s say it’s your mother. You really miss your Dad, and you want to see him, but you know your mother hates him. You know that from the way she and your father argue, and from what you overhear her telling her friends and family. You love your Mom and naturally want to be loyal to her and do what she wants. If she hates your Dad, then she would want you to feel the same way.

You hate the tension and arguments that happen every time you see Dad. Often these arguments are about you: how dirty you’re clothes are, how much you’ve had to eat, what time you are collected or returned, whether or not you can go to a birthday party, who has you for the holidays, and, of course, child support money. You feel somehow responsible.

You want to help your Mom when you see how upset she is after an argument, so you tell her you don’t want to see Dad again. You even think of bad things to say about your father or his family to please your mother, particularly if she digs for them. After all, you and your Mom are a team, a battalion, and he is the enemy. It’s the right thing to do.

But then you think about your Dad and feel really guilty for being disloyal to him. You miss him and want to see him, but you can’t tell Mom that, it would only upset her. You feel like a double agent and it is all so confusing.

If you are forced to go on contact visit, you feel like you are climbing under the enemy lines and dodging bullets from both sides. You protest, of course. But once you are safely on the other side, out of the conflict zone, you relax and begin to have a great time with your Dad and his family. You’d almost forgotten how much you loved them, and what fun your Dad was, and how great your grandmother’s cooking was. But all these warm feelings just increase your confusion and guilt about the bad things you said to your mother. So you make up for it by telling Dad something bad about Mum. You are are team, after all, a battalion, and now she is the enemy….

No wonder being exposed to parental wars screws up kids.

HELPING YOUR CHILDREN COPE WITH SEPARATION CONFLICT

Children feel most comfortable when parents are on the same team saying the same thing. When you separate, or are about to separate, it is important to give your children a sense of this team work. They need to know that, even though you are living apart, you are still working together as their parents and want what is best for them.

HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEPARATION

It’s best to stand together and tell them that Mom and Dad are separating, but that you both still love them and will continue to see them and be their Mom and Dad. Children often feel responsible for their parent separation, so it is important to assure them that it had nothing to do with anything they said or did.

There is no need to tell your children who is responsible for the separation and why. Soiling their view of the other parent only confuses them and and hurts their self esteem. And besides, it is just your view. You normally protect them from information about the sexual side of your relationship because it’s inappropriate for them and they don’t have the maturity to digest it properly. By the same token you should protect them from information about the separation and any ongoing issues.

BE LIKE THE FRUIT GROCER

Try to be hospitable towards each other in front of your children. That doesn’t mean you should spend a lot of time in each other’s company following a separation. Quite the opposite. The more time you are together when you are still in the grief and anger stage, the more chance you have of pushing each other’s raw, exposed buttons.

Diplomacy is the key. Keep access changovers friendly, but brief, and stick to the business at hand: that is, the children. Let the other parent know of illnesses and injuries and, of course positive experiences, but there’s no need for a lot of detail and you must avoid indulging in negative emotions.

I often equate this to the interaction you might have with your local fruit grocer. Ideally you smile and say hello, then ask how crunchy the apples are today. He replies in a friendly tone that the green apples are great this week. You buy a bag and leave, with a friendly thank you and good bye. You don’t spend long hanging around, you don’t talk about personal things, you don’t go into the owner’s private area out the back, and you certainly are not rude and critical. Keep it brief, friendly and simple.

MEDIATION CAN HELP

Try to stick to agreed plans for contact visits, but be flexible if possible when it’s important for the child, and communicate clearly about arrangements and your child between visits. If you are have difficulty negotiating arrangements without arguing, bring in a professional mediator to help.

Try to protect your child from negative comments about the other parent from you and your friends and family. Encourage your child to have a positive relationship and positive feelings about the other parent and their family, even if your child says that the other parent has been negative about you or your family. Remember, they might want to ‘shoot’ the other side to show their loyalty to you, and, even if your child is telling the truth, two wrongs definitely do not make a right. If you do think the other parent is continuing to be negative about you, or is rude and aggressive at contact changovers, invite them to joint counselling or therapeutic mediation with a quality child focused service.

The bottom line is, children have a right to have a loyal, positive, loving relationship with both parents, without guilt and stress. Do your best to help yours achieve that, and try not to let your own feelings get in the way. If you are finding this difficult, find a professional counsellor to help you cope.

MORE FROM ME

Good luck with this. I would love to hear your questions and comments. Leave them in the box below, or, if you prefer, you could send me a private email at Lorri@lorricraig.com, and I’ll do my best to respond quickly.

Also, I am releasing a series of training videos for parents soon called, How to Manage Your 3 to 10 Year Old Child. If you are interested in the prelaunch super discount, please put your first name and email address in the box on the right.

Happy parenting,

Lorri Craig

TAP FOR HEALTH WEALTH AND HAPPINESS

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The Tapping phenomenon is sweeping the world. Meridian Tapping has successfully been used to clear emotional blocks, limiting or dysfunctional beliefs, trauma, physical pain, and even physical illness. It is fast, effective and easy to learn, and it is turning the worlds of psychology and medicine upside down.

WHAT IS TAPPING?

Tapping, is the central technique used in EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique. It involves tapping chinese meridian points [like those used in acupuncture] whilst naming fears and dysfunctional or limiting beliefs.

EFT was developed in the 1990s by Gary Craig [no relation to me as far as I know], and came out of TFT or Thought Field Therapy, which was developed by Roger Callahan. Craig believed in making the procedure simple and user friendly, so that it could be available to more people and so make a larger positive impact on the world. EFT has since been used by psychological therapists and medical practitioners to treat vast numbers of people and conditions. I love it, and use it myself and with my clients to manage emotions, shift old emotional and mental blocks and habits, and as a first aid treatment in a crisis.

WHAT CAN TAPPING BE USED FOR?

Overcome Childhood Traumas
Reduce anxiety
Manage anger
Manage and Eliminate Pain
Release Cravings and Compulsive Eating Habits
Build Thriving and Loving Relationships
Overcome Addictions
Let Go Limiting or Dysfunctional Beliefs, including those about being well
Break Through Blocks to Success

WHERE TO LEARN EFT OR TAPPING

Gary Craig’s website has an easy to follow course for those who are interested in using tapping for their own use, or for incorporating it into their clinical practice. There are many other online and in person courses out there, as well as practitioners. If you want to focus on psychological issues, make sure you find therapist with experience and training beyond EFT.

LEARN TO TAP FOR WEALTH

Success coach, Margaret Lynch, is one of the greats of the tapping world. Margaret uses tapping to help her clients break through emotional blocks to being financially successful. She has produced loads of very easy to follow videos where she demonstrates the technique in a light hearted way. You can use the same technique to clear emotional blocks to anything. One of her latest videos focuses on tapping to let go of sexual blocks.

Here’s the link: TAP FOR WEALTH WITH MARGARET LYNCH.

If you would like to learn more about tapping for psychological blocks, please contact me by email or make a comment in the box below.

Happy tapping.

Cyber-hugs,

Lorri

Discipline Doesn’t Have to Mean Smacking and Shouting

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Parents often struggle to know how to discipline and teach their children right from wrong without smacking or shouting at them.

Although smacking and other aggressive forms of discipline can stop a problem behaviour at the time, research has shown us that the long term effects are not so positive. As soon as the threat of physical punishment is removed, children are more likely to revert to the prohibited behaviours. Instead of the child striving to please the parent, the aggrieved and humiliated child is likely to feel resentment, so is more likely to rebel and disobey at the first opportunity.

And, because children generally copy their parents, children who are chastised with violence or shouting are more likely to be violent and aggressive. On top of that, children like attention, the more the better. So all that intense aggressive attention from parents can fill a need in an attention seeking child, and inadvertently encourage the bad behaviour to be repeated.

The other part of the anti-smacking argument is that parents end up feeling… well… bad. Most parents don’t enjoy the feeling of aggressively attacking and bullying their child into submission, particularly afterwards. It tends to leave a bad taste in the mouth. It’s demeaning for both sides, and can seriously affect a child’s self esteem and create emotional problems. And if a parent uses physical punishment when they are angry, they sometimes hit harder than they meant to. For these reasons, in many places in the world it is actually illegal to smack a child.

But children do need discipline. They need guidance and rules, and clear consequences when those rules are broken. Children without rules and consequences tend to struggle to make sense of the world and find it difficult to internalise positive values from their parents. They can become pretty painful to be around, both within the family and in the outside world.

I’m about to release a training program for parents and carers called ‘How to Manage Your 3 to 10 Year Old Child’. It’s made up of 3 hours of interactive downloadable videos, workbooks, course notes, sample charts and certificates, plus a bonus Relaxation DVD to help you become a calmer and more assertive parent. You can watch the videos at any time of day or night to learn effective strategies at your own pace. No need to arrange childcare to attend an expensive course. If you are interested leave your name in the box on the right of the page to qualify for my generous prelaunch discount.

I have plenty of other articles on this site about managing children’s behaviour, so check them out HERE, or just do a search through the search box.

Enjoy and happy parenting.

Lorri

WHAT IS ADVANCED INTEGRATIVE THERAPY or AIT?

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AIT: A BRIEF INTRODUCTION

I’ve been a psychologist for a long time now, and I’ve trained in and used a huge number of therapeutic strategies. But I have never been so excited about any form of therapy as I am about AIT. Advanced Integrative Therapy [AIT] is an exciting and powerful new energy psychology that is particularly effective at removing the effects of emotional trauma. I have found AIT to be an incredibly efficient and effective, yet very gentle way of treating a range of issues with adults and children of all ages.

How AIT Works

AIT works on the holistic principle that our mind, body and energy fields are interconnected, and that traumatic memories are often trapped in our nervous system throughout our bodies. These trapped memories affect our interactions with the world, and can create traumatic patterns or dysfunctional beliefs about ourselves and our world. These can lead to phobias, relationship problems, challenging behaviours, anxiety, depression, anger, self-harm, low self-esteem, and somatic illnesses.

AIT is based on the premise that traumatic memories and their emotional charge are stored throughout the body, not just in the brain. To get a sense of this, if you reflect on a past upsetting experience of your own, you might feel some sort of a sensation or discomfort in your throat, stomach, heart, or another part of your body.

What Happens

The AIT therapist helps the client to identify the issues using their therapeutic and interactive counselling skills, and then uses muscle testing, or applied kinesiology, to confirm the treatment decisions. Muscle testing was developed originally by a chiropractor, and adopted enthusiastically by alternative health practitioners, such as naturopaths and allergy specialists. I have found that muscle testing to be a wonderful tool to use in psychological therapy. It involves gently feeling resistance, or lack thereof, in the client’s muscles in response to particular statements. The muscle goes weak when the statement is false and stays strong when it is true. It is a really good way of tuning into the client’s unconscious [or internal computer], and can be a fun way to engage children and adults, especially those who are unsure of the cause of their emotional difficulties, or who find language or talking about feelings difficult.

Once the cause of the problem has been determined, the AIT practitioner guides the client to hold certain points on their body, to stimulate the nervous system, while labelling the trauma in a simple way. The client stays mindful of their body, and relaxes with their breath through this process, while witnessing the memories, thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they come and go.

This gently and effectively clears the blocked trauma from the nervous system, so the client is soon able to remember the experience without feeling the uncomfortable emotions attached to it.

In a Nutshell

AIT is an incredibly powerful therapy, but doesn’t require the uncomfortable, long-winded catharsis of tears and talk of many other therapies. Change is quick and gentle, yet monumental. As I said, very very exciting stuff.

I practice AIT in person in Coulsdon and Brighton and Hove, UK, and via telephone or Skype to the rest of the world. Feel free to contact me if you would like to find out more. You can leave a comment here.

I really look forward to hearing from you.

Lorri Craig

PS To find out more about AIT and who might be practicing it near you, go to the AIT UK and Europe or the USA AIT Institute websites.

Welcome to Psychology Through the Internet

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Hi and welcome to my psychology blog.

Psychology Through the Internet is for anyone dealing with problems like anxiety, depression, confidence, anger, relationships, or children’s behaviour. That’s most people I guess.

The site has articles on all sorts of psychology topics written in an easy to digest way. Most articles are about the way we think and react, with others and with ourselves. The articles cover common psychological problems, like depression, anxiety, stress, and relationship issues, as well as suggesting strategies and therapies for dealing with these. There’s also quite a lot of information on children’s behaviour and relationships. I touch on aging and immigrating, the impact of diet on the mind, and how to improve sleep.

If you are interested in a particular topic, click one of the category links at the top of the page, or do a search in the SEARCH BOX.

Please send me an email or comment if you have any ideas about other articles you and others might find psychologically helpful and interesting.

I am a UK HCPC registered Counselling Psychologist and offer psychological therapy / counselling sessions in person for those who live near Coulsdon [on the edge of London and Surrey], or near Brighton and Hove, UK. I also work with clients from anywhere on the planet via Skype. Please email me at lorri@lorricraig.com or call or text me on +44 745 666227 if you want to find out more.

I really hope that you find the site helpful.

Warm wishes

Lorri Craig
Registered Psychologist

PANIC ATTACKS REALLY SUCK!

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PART 1: WHAT ARE PANIC ATTACKS?

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you’ve probably spent a lot of time and energy since worrying about when and where you are going to have another one. That’s because panic attacks are pretty horrible experiences on so many levels.

Firstly they are incredibly uncomfortable physically. Symptoms vary a bit, but typically they start with a flutter in the belly or heart, ora woozy movement in the stomach, which can make you, the sufferer, feel sick. Then your heart starts racing and thumping wildly in your chest. You start breathing hard and fast, and feel like you are suffocating from lack of air, so you breathe harder. You might have the urge to vomit or go to the toilet. You might feel dizzy, and, if upright, sometimes fall onto the floor [which can hurt]. If the attack continues for a long time, parts of your body might start to feel numb or cramped, and your fingers might even curl up uncontrollably into a claw shape. As I said: incredibly physically uncomfortable.

As well as the physical discomfort, there’s the intense emotional fear that accompanies panic attacks. The sensation can be overwhelming. Many liken the experience to feeling like they are about to die. Majorly scary.

What’s worse is the panic attacks often come out of the blue; with no obvious situation or event triggering them. And sufferers often worry that they might have a serious physical condition, or worse still, a mental illness… that they might be going mad.

Then there’s the social embarrassment. It’s bad enough going through all this, but having people watch while you pant and panic can feel devastating, particularly if you’re exposed in a setting where you might feel judged, such as a workplace, or school, or party, or bus, or restaurant… anywhere in public really.

For all these reasons, people who have suffered a panic attack can get very very anxious about having a similar experience, so they obsess about them, and go out of their way to avoid public situations.

Does this sound familiar? If you have been through this, or if you care about someone who has been through this, know that you are not alone. There are literally millions of people like you who have experienced one or more panic attacks, or who love someone who has experienced a panic attack.

So why do panic attacks happen?

A panic attack is triggered by the primitive part of the brain that, amongst other things, reacts to danger and tells the body to get ready for action. This part of the brain automatically sends chemicals into the blood stream that make the heart beat faster, the lungs work harder and the senses go into red alert.

It’s a survival mechanism in the right context. If, for instance, you were being attacked by a wild animal in the jungle, it would be great to have your senses go into hyper-alert, and have extra oxygen pumped to your muscles, so that you could quickly escape, or so that you could fight back with super strength. This is called the fight or flight response. It looks after us appropriately in those sorts of dangerous situations.

Not so when the fear response is caused by something you can’t run away from or fight, such as a gradual accumulation of stress, or a triggered traumatic memory, or, indeed, fear of having another panic attack. These sorts of situations can trigger the body’s fight or flight response, along with the accompanying heavy breathing and pounding heart. But when there’s nowhere to run and nothing to fight, all that extra pumping and breathing can cause distress and, very importantly, can put the carbon dioxide [CO2] and oxygen [O2] levels out of balance in your blood stream.

That chemical imbalance is what makes you feel dizzy and tingly and breathless. It can cause a tight feeling in the body, and even lead to the clawed fingers mentioned earlier.

PART 2: HOW CAN PANIC ATTACKS BE CONTROLLED?

The irony is that, even though you feel like you don’t have enough oxygen and need to breathe in more, you actually need to breathe in less. Slowing down your breath, taking in less oxygen and breathing out more CO2 will correct the chemical imbalance, and quickly restore your body back to normal. None of the physical symptoms of panic are permanent. The worst that can happen is that, in your body’s attempt to stop you breathing too much [hyperventilating], it might make you become faint and pass out for a second. Your body is then able to take over and slow your breathing.

Slowing down your breath when you are conscious and feel like you’re suffocating is not easy. But with a simple strategy, it can be done.

If you feel a panic attack coming on you should first try to remind yourself what’s actually happening – that you are not going mad, you are not seriously ill, and that it’s not dangerous, so you’re not about to die [as long as you’re not balanced on a tight rope at the time]. Then remind yourself that you have enough oxygen in your body, and you need to get rid of some of the used up air [CO2] from your body to correct the imbalance.

Breathing into a paper bag can help you to reduce your intake of oxygen and correct the balance [so it’s not just a myth]. But, whether or not you have a paper bag handy, there’s a simple counting technique that is really effective.

Breathe in slowly while counting to 2 or 3 or 4 [the number’s not important]; hold it in for a second; then breath out as completely as you can to twice the count of the in-breath [4 or 6 or 8]; then hold it out for a second or two, and repeat the process. The idea is that you slow down the rate of your breathing, breathe out for twice as long as you breathe in, and think about counting, rather than focusing on how uncomfortable and scary your experience is. This corrects the O2 CO2 balance and focussing on breathing out completely tricks your brain into thinking that the danger is past; like when you ‘Phew’ with relief.

If you are with someone who is having a panic attack the best thing you can do to help them is stay calm and supportive. Then, without lecturing or patronising, let them know that they are having a panic attack and that it’s not dangerous. Let them know that, contrary to their instinct, they need to breathe in less, and breathe out more. Then help them breathe to a 1:2 in:out ratio. If you can easily find a paper bag for them to breathe into, that would help, but it’s not crucial, and you should be careful of paper printed with toxic ink.

So that’s it. If you are a sufferer, it’s not a bad idea to have a practice session with a support person. Do a bit of panting to bring the first symptoms on, then practice the breath count. In my experience, once a panic attack suffer is confident that he or she can control an attack, their confidence increase significantly and they are able to begin getting back to a normal life.

Remember, tell yourself you are going to be fine, and count your breath, keeping the outbreath twice as long as the in, and you’ll be on your way to freedom from panic.

Lorri Craig, Psychologist

For more information about treating anxiety and panic attacks without drugs go to:

http://www.AnxietyTreatmentWithoutDrugs.com