Tag Archives: child wont listen

Child Behaviour Strategies: Focus on What You Want

When parents come to me for help with a child, they naturally start by telling me what is wrong with their child and what behaviours or emotional responses they would like to get rid of or change.  That is totally understandable.

If a child is frequently acting in a way that is inappropriate, unacceptable, annoying, or worrying, it is reasonable that the parents would focus on those bad behaviours and reactions in an attempt to stop or modify them; especially if the parents have got to the stage of seeking help from a psychologist. By that time they are usually tearing their hair out with frustration and losing sleep.

When I observe these parents and children together, I notice that the concerned parents often spend a great deal of time and energy giving negative attention to the children’s unwanted behaviours in an attempt to stop them. Again, this is totally natural and understandable.

Attention Encourages Behaviour

The problem is that every time the parents focus their attention on unwanted behaviours, they inadvertently encourage those behaviours, particularly if the child is hungry for attention. Some children need an enormous amount of attention, and they can unconsciously develop a taste for bad attention if that becomes their main source.

A powerful strategy when you are dealing with an attention seeking child, is to pay more attention to the behaviours and reactions that you want, and less attention to the behaviours and reactions that you don’t want.

Focus on What You Want

If you focus on desirable behaviours and give them your love and positive attention, you will nurture and encourage those positive behaviours. It’s a bit like watering, fertilising and protecting flowers in a garden, and allowing the weeds to wilt and be trampled in a natural way.

It is sometimes difficult to see the positive in a child who has driven you crazy with their disobedience, or laziness, or inability to listen and follow instructions , or silly behaviour, or rudeness, or dangerous antics, or anxiety, or aggression, or temper tantrums.  Many parents of challenging children find it very hard to find anything they feel worthy of positive attention.

Start with Small Seeds

But remember, beautiful flowers grow from small seeds. You have to make a conscious effort to turn your habitual attention giving around, so that you notice and acknowledge positive behaviours, even if only tiny things.

Try to notice and acknowledge when your attention seeking child plays quietly by himself for even a minute. Smile and give a thumbs up when your argumentative children agree over which TV program to watch. Praise your dreamy child when she manages to follow  a small instruction. High five your angry child when he gets through a short shopping expedition without a tantrum.

Gradually Expect More

Make sure the praise and attention suit the age, personality and maturity of the child. As your child gets better at taking these small steps, you can reduce the frequency of your praise and raise the bar slowly, and as they mature acknowledge this with the expectation that things will keep improving. ‘You are getting better and better at staying calm as you get older. Well done.”

Want More Help?

If you are interested in other parenting tips, get a copy of my free twelve part e-book, ‘12 Super Child Training Secrets’. Or, if you are after a much more comprehensive and intensive training that you could do at home in your own time and pace, check out my parent training package, ‘How to Manage Your 3 to 10 Year Old Child’.  The links to both are on www.Psychology ThroughTheInternet.com, on the right hand side of the page.

Happy parenting.

Lorri Craig

Child Behavior: Is Too Much Attention Bad for Children?

Parents are often encouraged to give their children attention, but too much of the wrong kind of attention for the wrong kind of behaviour can be bad for children.

Point one: Children love and need attention, and for many reasons, some children need much more attention than others.

Point two: Attention tends to increase the behaviour that it follows.

Point three: If those children who are hungry for attention are not getting enough positive attention, but at the same time are getting a lot of negative attention, then they can develop a taste, or even a craving, for the negative attention.

What this means when it is all added together is that, when you give an attention-seeking child your attention for the behaviours you don’t like, even if that attention is anger, nagging, or lecturing, you are actually training them to increase the frequency and intensity of those unwanted behaviours.

If, for instance, your attention-seeking child refuses to do what s/he’s told, and you get angry in response you are giving them an enormous amount of intense focussed attention, so this is likely to encourage the defiant behaviour.

I’m not saying that the average attention-seeking child consciously enjoys angry attention. To the contrary, most children find it uncomfortable and distressing. But it’s the child’s powerful unconscious mind that is calling the shots, and enjoying the intense attention, as well as the power of having their parents respond predictably, as if on remote control.

Point 4: Parents can get in the habit of giving negative attention to their children for unwanted behaviour; that is, they can get addicted to their own angry, critical reaction.

When a parent is repeatedly frustrated by a child, it is easy to get in the habit of criticising them, not trusting them, and finding many things they do as irritating or deliberately provoking. This habit can develop in any close relationship, be it with a spouse, sibling, parent or child. But in the parent-child relationship the effect can be very destructive.

Children tend to internalise the messages and labels a parent gives them. So if they are frequently being criticised by a parent, they will eventually believe that they are the naughty, difficult person they are told they are.

So what’s the answer?

The solution is simple. To help them get over their craving for negative attention, the attention seeking child must be given copious quantities of positive attention, and simultaneously be starved of negative attention.

So, if you have a child who is frequently disobedient or angry:

  • Minimise the attention you give to them for the unwanted behaviour.
  • Put into place a clear strategy, such as counting followed by time out, to deal with the behaviour, and use this consistently and persistently.
  • Avoid discussion or too much eye contact.
  • Stay calm but strong.
  • Keep mindful that your child is not consciously trying to provoke you, they are just reacting to the situation in a way that their unconscious mind [with the help of your training] has taught them to react.
  • Ignore the small stuff. Only use the discipline strategy with the worst behaviours. You can work on any other annoying behaviours once they master these.
  • And finally, give them plenty of positive attention for the opposite, desirable behaviours. For instance, give them plenty of praise when they obey a command, or play nicely with their sibling, or get ready for school on time. This step is crucial, especially whilst you are weaning them off their addiction to negative attention.
  • As well as verbal praise and touch, you could introduce age appropriate reward systems to encourage them, such as tokens that could be spent on fun activities with you, like playing a card game, or kicking a ball.

Persistently applying these simple strategies should reduce the bad behaviour, increase the good behaviour, improve your child’s self esteem, and improve your relationship with your child.

Good luck and happy parenting.

Discipline Doesn’t Have to Mean Smacking and Shouting

Parents often struggle to know how to discipline and teach their children right from wrong without smacking or shouting at them.

Although smacking and other aggressive forms of discipline can stop a problem behaviour at the time, research has shown us that the long term effects are not so positive.  As soon as the threat of physical punishment is removed, children are more likely to revert to the prohibited behaviours. Instead of the child striving to please the parent, the aggrieved and humiliated child is likely to feel resentment, so is more likely to rebel and disobey at the first opportunity.

And, because children generally copy their parents, children who are chastised with violence or shouting are more likely to be violent and aggressive. On top of that, children like attention, the more the better. So all that intense aggressive attention from parents can fill a need in an attention seeking child, and inadvertently encourage the bad behaviour to be repeated.

The other part of the anti-smacking argument is that parents end up feeling… well… bad. Most parents don’t enjoy the feeling of aggressively attacking and bullying their child into submission, particularly afterwards. It tends to leave a bad taste in the mouth. It’s demeaning for both sides, and can seriously affect a child’s self esteem and create emotional problems.  And if a parent uses physical punishment when they are angry, they sometimes hit harder than they meant to. For these reasons, in many places in the world it is actually illegal to smack a child.

But children do need discipline. They need guidance and rules, and clear consequences when those rules are broken. Children without rules and consequences tend to struggle to make sense of the world and find it difficult to internalise positive values from their parents.  They can become pretty painful to be around, both within the family and in the outside world.

I’m about to release  a training program for parents and carers called ‘How to Manage Your 3 to 10 Year Old Child’. It’s made up of 3 hours of interactive downloadable videos, workbooks, course notes, sample charts and certificates, plus a bonus Relaxation DVD to help you become a calmer and more assertive parent. You can watch the videos at any time of day or night to learn effective strategies at your own pace. No need to arrange childcare to attend an expensive course. If you are interested leave your name in the box on the right of the page to qualify for my generous prelaunch discount.

I have plenty of other articles on this site about managing children’s behaviour, so check them out HERE,  or just do a search through the search box.

Enjoy and happy parenting.

Lorri

KIDS! What to Do When Your Child Won’t Listen

child not listening

Most parents would agree, a child who won’t listen can be incredibly frustrating, particularly when you are trying to teach them right from wrong. How can they learn to behave if they won’t listen?

When parents complain to me that their children ‘never listen’, my usual response is a slightly cheeky, ‘Well then, stop talking so much.’ Having someone lecture at you can be very annoying, whether you are a child or an adult, so kids learn to turn off their ears and brains in response, or, worse, they defiantly rebel.

Why Questions

In amongst the lecturing, the frustrated parent commonly asks, ‘Why?’ “Why did you throw that rock?” “Why did you put peas up your nose?” “Why did you jump up and down on the bed until it broke?” “Don’t just shrug. Look at me! Why aren’t you listening to me?!”

I have a why question. Why do so many adults feel compelled to ask children why questions? Be honest, when was the last time you knew the answer to your own why questions after doing something silly? “Why did you have that extra drink last night?” “Why did you buy those expensive shoes that hurt?”  The only honest answer would be, “Well, it seemed a good idea at the time,” or, “Because I wanted to,” or, “I don’t know.” Unfortunately, such honest responses are not likely to appease an angry parent in full-on lecturing mode.

Children Are Not Little Adults

Tom Phelan, author of ‘123 Magic’, stressed that children should not be treated as ‘little adults’; because they are not: they’re kids. A young child is not likely to have great philosophical realisations about good versus evil by being talked at and reasoned with. What they are more likely to do is stop listening and think about something more pleasant, like that new toy they want for Christmas.

They might, if well trained in escape tactics, appease you with an eyes-down, submissive nod, perhaps accompanied by a mumbled apology, and of course, when prompted, promise to never do it again. But more often than not, unless they have an unusually strong urge to please you, they won’t really mean any of it. They are simply trying to cope in that moment. After all, they’re kids.

Lecturing and reasoning with your child as if he is a little adult on your level reduces your power and status in the child’s view. At times the lecturing might create a quietly angry child who will retaliate later, or take their anger out on a younger child. At other times the lectured child might react angrily towards you. They are only responding as they feel a little adult should.

The Angrier You Get…

As a parent it can feel really frustrating to hear your little darling argue back disrespectfully rather than offering the meek apology you’re hoping for. This frustration might lead to an increase the loudness and tone your voice. Then, because your child tends to mimic you, and because you are giving them focused attention for their retaliation, and because your anger has, in their world, given them more justification for being angry, the child gets angrier at you. Then you get angrier in response, and so it goes on. This is called escalation, and it is very common in families.

Be a Calm Assertive Pack Leader

I believe one of the greatest contemporary human psychology experts is dog behaviour expert, Cesar Millan, star of TV’s ‘The Dog Whisperer’. Millan does not believe in reasoning with canines. Instead he stresses to his adult human clients that they can train their out-of-control dogs by becoming strong ‘pack leaders’, and exuding ‘calm, assertive energy’. If a pack leader is calm, confident and assertive, his pack will feel confident that he is looking after them and protecting them from harm, so they feel relaxed, secure and well-adjusted. The pack doesn’t have to challenge the pack-leader’s authority and they don’t feel threatened by the outside world, as long as the pack leader stays relaxed.

‘Calm, assertive energy’ is Milan’s constant mantra; a mantra that I have been encouraging parents of humans to take on for many years.

If you believe that you, as a parent or parents, should own the role of leader in your family [solo as a single parent, or in partnership with another parent in two parent families], and you can get into the calm, assertive mode of a good pack leader and set clear limits for your children, they will automatically feel calmer and more secure, and be much easier to manage.
Millan teaches that a pack leader in the dog world does not talk in response to their charge lings’ misdemeanours. Nor does he react aggressively. He simply corrects the unwanted behaviour, calmly and assertively, then lets the issue go. He doesn’t harp on and on, he doesn’t try to reason, he doesn’t get angry, and he and definitely doesn’t give the unwanted behaviour too much attention. Dogs are so smart.

Human are also social pack animals, and human children thrive on solid adult leadership, and clear boundaries and consequences delivered in a calm, assertive manner. It helps them feel like the world is predictable and simple, and this helps them feel secure. The internalisation and development of adult values comes later.

Calm Clear Consequences

So, when your child is doing something wrong, try not to lecture, or ask why, or get angry in response. Instead, focus on exuding calm assertive energy, and quickly and firmly correct the behaviour, then get back to life. Mild misbehaviour can be corrected by a firm look, or a calm assertive, ‘Hey, that’s enough’, with a moderate to deep voice. More serious misdemeanours can be corrected with clear simple consequences. Thomas Phelan talks about using counting with simple time out consequences his 123 MAGIC series of books and videos. I will talk more about the Phelan system, along with ways to deal with the more out of control child, in separate training articles and video blogs.

It is important to always stay aware of your own emotional response and avoid reverting to anger or fearful submission. Assertive parenting is neither. Assertive parenting is relaxed but strong posture, calm body language, moderate voice tone and loudness, and clear, calm eye-contact. It is brief and to-the-point and very matter-of fact. It is the language expression of a powerful leader who knows she is in charge, so doesn’t have to try too hard.

So, in a nutshell, the keys to managing your child’s behaviour are:

*Remember your child is a child, not an adult
*Project calm and assertive leader energy
*Do not lecture or try to reason with your child
*Don’t ask ‘Why?’ questions
*Do not get angry or argue
*Do not give your child too much attention for not listening or misbehaving
*Stick to clear consistent consequences

And, most importantly, try to lighten up and have some fun with your children. They aren’t children for long, and one day you’ll wish you had.

Good luck with this challenge. I welcome any feedback, questions, or ideas.

Lorri Craig,
Psychologist

Please leave questions or comments in the COMMENTS box below, or email me at Lorri@lorricraig.com. I will try to respond as quickly as possible. For more parenting tips, and for links to Tom Phelan’s brilliant parent training DVDs, check out my parenting site www.ChildTrainingSecrets.com.