Partners can be incredibly annoying. They are very skilled at pressing our buttons and engaging us in arguments over nothing, but it is possible to change this pattern.

Most of us can’t stand to be told by our spouse that we are wrong and they are right, especially when we know [or are pretty sure] that they are wrong and we are right.

We can become particularly annoyed if they contest us using smug, patronising body language; while a condescending, know-it-all tone of voice can send us right over the edge.

When affronted with all that, we try to hold on to our dignity and defend our stance by hitting back with equally defensive words, body language, and tone. Well, equal-ish,  and certainly deserved.

Our partner, however, interprets our reaction as over the top, and then accuses us of being patronising and aggressive, whilst denying  that they ever were.

So they up the anti, and then we up the anti, and before we know it, we’re engaged in a full scale, emotionally shattering argument.

Sound Familiar?

What is Really Going on Deep Down

It’s important to remember that almost all anger is triggered by underlying vulnerable feelings.

The ‘we’ person in this scenario is reacting to his or her perception of being criticised or put down by the other. This interpretation leads to them feeling hurt and humiliated. Those vulnerable feelings in turn trigger their anger, and create an urge to prove that they are right by insisting that the other is wrong. Because they are feeling vulnerable and abused, they tend to do this in a slightly aggressive way.

The second person, who might have been unaware of the patronising tone of their message, then feels unfairly attacked and criticised. This perception triggers their feelings of hurt and humiliation, so they react with anger in an attempt to balance the power in their favour.

This leads to the first person feeling more hurt and angry, and so it goes on.

Let Your Mature Adult Take Charge

The vulnerable and angry feelings and reactions come from our inner child. This emotional part of our psyche developed when we were babies and toddlers, so it is a very young part of us and sometimes reacts in an immature way.

Although it is important to listen to, support and care for our inner child, it is important that we do not let it take over and rule our actions and reactions.

Similarly, the critical parent within us all, which is the part that developed after the inner child, and sometimes jumps to its defence, should not be given free rein to rule.

Instead, our mature ‘adult’ part is the one that should be making decisions and managing our behaviour and reactions.  This is the calm assertive part of us that developed later in childhood. It understands us and others, and reacts in a calm, mature, conciliatory way. Our ‘adult’ respects us and our needs, but is also respectful of the other person, and accepts that it is human and okay to make mistakes.

Bow Out Gracefully

It takes two to tango, so you can stop an argument at any time, simply by bowing out of it.

Remind yourself that you are reacting from your emotional child and critical parent.  Try to identify the vulnerable feelings under your anger and use your internal nurturing parent to calm and support your hurt child. Be gentle with yourself.

Remind yourself, also, that your partner is probably feeling hurt and vulnerable and unfairly treated too, so be gentle with them.  Remember if you react by putting your partner down in any way, they are likely to feel worse and this will lead to more pain for you both.

Try to stop the argument by reacting from your calm adult. But be careful that your patronising critical parent does not sneakily grab hold of the reins. Your language, both verbal and non-verbal, should be assertive, inclusive, respectful and forgiving of yourself and the other for your humanness.

Apologise if You Can

If you have riled your partner, and can bear to apologise in a clear, open way, then do so. An apology is a great argument stopper.  I admit it takes a lot of strength to apologise to someone when you feel that they are more wrong than you, but hold on to the fact that most of us get it a little bit wrong, so your apology can be genuine in terms of the part you played.  “I’m sorry that we argued,” is a powerful diffuser that can usually be said with honesty and conviction.

Make sure you are communicating from your clear, calm, forgiving adult when you apologise. Avoid the urge to add a ‘but’ to the end of your apology.

It is up to the other person to own their role in any argument, and it is not critical that they do, so don’t look for your apology to be reciprocated.

Time Out Can Help

If you can’t, or don’t want to, apologise in a positive way, you could simply stop talking, but try to stay strong and relaxed, and let go your anger, so that you don’t come across as passive-agressive or petulant.  You could try to calmly say something inclusive and conciliatory, like, “Let’s not argue,” or change the subject, or you might need to take some time out until you calm down. If so, ideally let the other person know what you are doing so they don’t feel too abandoned, as that feeling can add to their vulnerability and, therefore, anger.

You might feel brave enough to apologise when you return, or at least suggest that you hug and make up. Go to them for the contact, rather than waiting for them to come to you. If they are not ready, respect their need for time, and let it go.

Feel Good About the Changes You Make

There is no guarantee that your partner will follow suit and become the humble, mature person that you are learning to be. But it is true that when one person changes in a dynamic system, the other is forced to shift, even if that shift is subtle and slow.

The important thing is that by accessing your strength and maturity, you are creating a more positive relationship and a more peaceful life for you and your family.

Winning arguments by convincing your partner that you are right and they are wrong, will not make you happier. But learning to diffuse arguments will.

Lorri

Note: These strategies are for dealing with arguments in ‘normal’ relationships, where the balance of power is roughly even.  If you are in a violent or abusive relationship, please seek help from competent professionals as soon as possible.