Negotiating intimate relationships is one of the hardest challenges most of us face in our lifetime. When they are working, they are amazing, but when they are not, they can be tricky and traumatic. We can get into dysfunctional patterns of relating to anyone in our lives, but the closer and more intimate the relationship, the more our deepest dysfunctions rear their ugly heads.
One of the most common patterns I have seen in dealing with couples in the traumatic-tricky stages of their relationships is what I call ‘The Lonely Warrior and the Fearful Refugee’. This is when one partner feels neglected or unheard, and the other feels constantly attacked.
Whenever couples talk of this pattern I get the image of an old walled palace in a remote desert. The Fearful Refugee is huddled, shaking behind the wall, while the Lonely Warrior is standing tearfully on the outside, bow and arrow in hand, feeling abandoned. The Lonely Warrior shoots arrows at the wall in a desperate attempt to communicate and be close to the person behind the wall, but in doing so hurts and scares the Refugee more. So the Fearful Refugee builds a bigger wall to huddle behind.
The Lonely Warrior then feels more shut out and desperate, so brings out the canons to try to break down the wall. The Fearful Refugee, in response to the assault, builds an even bigger and thicker wall, which adds to the Lonely Warrior’s hurt and desperation. And so the pattern goes on, with both sides feeling more and more desperate and powerless. Both get stuck in trying to cope with the problem in the same habitual way, so it continues to escalate.
It is usually, although not always, the male partner in a heterosexual relationship who plays the part of the Fearful Refugee, while the female partner is typically the Lonely Warrior. Women traditionally cope with problems by expressing and communicating, while men often find it comforting to withdraw and have space when they are upset.
HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE
The first step breaking this cycle, as with any dysfunctional relationship cycle, is awareness. It is not easy to stay mindful of our habitual thoughts and responses, especially when we feel emotional, but it is important to learn this skill. Catch yourself as soon as you can. Before you start engaging in the behaviour is the best time, but failing that, at any time during the cycle is a good start.
Try to relax your body in that moment to let go the growing anger. Breathing out can help to calm the mind. Remind yourself that this is a habitual and dysfunctional way of reacting to your partner, and what you are doing is making things worse for both of you and the relationship. Remind yourself that the relationship is worth changing for, that the other person is reacting like that out of vulnerable feelings, like hurt and fear. Both of you are.
If you typically cower behind a wall, try to open up, listen, and calmly reflect back what the other has said to show them that you heard them. Look into their eyes and touch them if you comfortably [and safely!] can. If you, on the other hand, typically bombard the other with questions, demands and accusations, then stop and be quiet to give them the psychological space to calm down. If they physically leave, then remind yourself that this is merely their way of coping. Try not to take it too personally. In both cases, try to keep your heart open and connected with theirs, to sooth their pain and fear.
THE POWER OF THE APOLOGY
A simple apology for your part in the dysfunctional cycle can be a powerful diffuser, and can reduce the power of future incidents by helping you both become more aware. If you miss the opportunity during the cycle, find a time soon after the event, when both of you are calm, and apologise for your contribution. Even if you think it was more their fault than yours, try to make a sincere apology for the part you played. For instance, you could say, “ I’m really sorry we argued, and I’m sorry that I withdrew from you. It’s my way of coping when I’m upset, but I realise that it upsets you, so I want to learn to respond in a different way.” Obviously you would replace ‘withdrew from you’ with ‘bombarded you’, or similar, if you were the Lonely Warrior, rather than the Fearful Refugee.
It’s not easy to apologise; particularly if you have been taught that it is weak, or that it’s not OK to admit any human error in life. It’s important to remember that mistakes are part of being human; particularly the mistakes we make in human relationships. And there is almost never anyone who is one hundred percent right or one hundred percent wrong in any relationship issue. So there is nothing wrong with admitting that you can improve.
Remember to keep your tone level and free of sarcasm, and avoid any attempts to shift the blame away from you with ‘But’ statements, such as, “But I wouldn’t need to do that if you would stop blah blah blahing.”
Try to apologise with an open heart from a place of gentle assertive power. Feel the mature strength in yourself as you tame and soothe your immature human ego that desperately wants to say, “But it wasn’t my fault.”
BE PATIENT
Now don’t, and this is very important, expect an apology back from the other side. They might not yet have your level of strength and self awareness, and might not be as good as you at taming their ego. Give them time to learn and develop. We all have different levels of abilities in different areas of life at different times.
It can be frustrating when you change and your partner doesn’t. But if you change your part in the cycle, your old dysfunctional cycle can’t exist, so your partner will learn they have to respond to you from a different place in a different way. The best way of helping them on the path to self awareness and change is to practice it yourself.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and your partner. It usually takes a while to get this stuff right. If the dysfunction continues, seek help from a professional, experienced relationship counsellor.
I would love your feedback on your progress. You can leave a comment in the box, or email me privately at Lorri@lorricraig.com.
Happy relating.