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Relationships: How to Stop Arguing with Your Partner

Partners can be incredibly annoying. They are very skilled at pressing our buttons and engaging us in arguments over nothing, but it is possible to change this pattern.

Most of us can’t stand to be told by our spouse that we are wrong and they are right, especially when we know [or are pretty sure] that they are wrong and we are right.

We can become particularly annoyed if they contest us using smug, patronising body language; while a condescending, know-it-all tone of voice can send us right over the edge.

When affronted with all that, we try to hold on to our dignity and defend our stance by hitting back with equally defensive words, body language, and tone. Well, equal-ish,  and certainly deserved.

Our partner, however, interprets our reaction as over the top, and then accuses us of being patronising and aggressive, whilst denying  that they ever were.

So they up the anti, and then we up the anti, and before we know it, we’re engaged in a full scale, emotionally shattering argument.

Sound Familiar?

What is Really Going on Deep Down

It’s important to remember that almost all anger is triggered by underlying vulnerable feelings.

The ‘we’ person in this scenario is reacting to his or her perception of being criticised or put down by the other. This interpretation leads to them feeling hurt and humiliated. Those vulnerable feelings in turn trigger their anger, and create an urge to prove that they are right by insisting that the other is wrong. Because they are feeling vulnerable and abused, they tend to do this in a slightly aggressive way.

The second person, who might have been unaware of the patronising tone of their message, then feels unfairly attacked and criticised. This perception triggers their feelings of hurt and humiliation, so they react with anger in an attempt to balance the power in their favour.

This leads to the first person feeling more hurt and angry, and so it goes on.

Let Your Mature Adult Take Charge

The vulnerable and angry feelings and reactions come from our inner child. This emotional part of our psyche developed when we were babies and toddlers, so it is a very young part of us and sometimes reacts in an immature way.

Although it is important to listen to, support and care for our inner child, it is important that we do not let it take over and rule our actions and reactions.

Similarly, the critical parent within us all, which is the part that developed after the inner child, and sometimes jumps to its defence, should not be given free rein to rule.

Instead, our mature ‘adult’ part is the one that should be making decisions and managing our behaviour and reactions.  This is the calm assertive part of us that developed later in childhood. It understands us and others, and reacts in a calm, mature, conciliatory way. Our ‘adult’ respects us and our needs, but is also respectful of the other person, and accepts that it is human and okay to make mistakes.

Bow Out Gracefully

It takes two to tango, so you can stop an argument at any time, simply by bowing out of it.

Remind yourself that you are reacting from your emotional child and critical parent.  Try to identify the vulnerable feelings under your anger and use your internal nurturing parent to calm and support your hurt child. Be gentle with yourself.

Remind yourself, also, that your partner is probably feeling hurt and vulnerable and unfairly treated too, so be gentle with them.  Remember if you react by putting your partner down in any way, they are likely to feel worse and this will lead to more pain for you both.

Try to stop the argument by reacting from your calm adult. But be careful that your patronising critical parent does not sneakily grab hold of the reins. Your language, both verbal and non-verbal, should be assertive, inclusive, respectful and forgiving of yourself and the other for your humanness.

Apologise if You Can

If you have riled your partner, and can bear to apologise in a clear, open way, then do so. An apology is a great argument stopper.  I admit it takes a lot of strength to apologise to someone when you feel that they are more wrong than you, but hold on to the fact that most of us get it a little bit wrong, so your apology can be genuine in terms of the part you played.  “I’m sorry that we argued,” is a powerful diffuser that can usually be said with honesty and conviction.

Make sure you are communicating from your clear, calm, forgiving adult when you apologise. Avoid the urge to add a ‘but’ to the end of your apology.

It is up to the other person to own their role in any argument, and it is not critical that they do, so don’t look for your apology to be reciprocated.

Time Out Can Help

If you can’t, or don’t want to, apologise in a positive way, you could simply stop talking, but try to stay strong and relaxed, and let go your anger, so that you don’t come across as passive-agressive or petulant.  You could try to calmly say something inclusive and conciliatory, like, “Let’s not argue,” or change the subject, or you might need to take some time out until you calm down. If so, ideally let the other person know what you are doing so they don’t feel too abandoned, as that feeling can add to their vulnerability and, therefore, anger.

You might feel brave enough to apologise when you return, or at least suggest that you hug and make up. Go to them for the contact, rather than waiting for them to come to you. If they are not ready, respect their need for time, and let it go.

Feel Good About the Changes You Make

There is no guarantee that your partner will follow suit and become the humble, mature person that you are learning to be. But it is true that when one person changes in a dynamic system, the other is forced to shift, even if that shift is subtle and slow.

The important thing is that by accessing your strength and maturity, you are creating a more positive relationship and a more peaceful life for you and your family.

Winning arguments by convincing your partner that you are right and they are wrong, will not make you happier. But learning to diffuse arguments will.

Lorri

Note: These strategies are for dealing with arguments in ‘normal’ relationships, where the balance of power is roughly even.  If you are in a violent or abusive relationship, please seek help from competent professionals as soon as possible.

RELATIONSHIPS: THE LONELY WARRIOR AND THE FEARFUL REFUGEE

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Negotiating intimate relationships is one of the hardest challenges most of us face in our lifetime. When they are working, they are amazing, but when they are not, they can be tricky and traumatic. We can get into dysfunctional patterns of relating to anyone in our lives, but the closer and more intimate the relationship, the more our deepest dysfunctions rear their ugly heads.

One of the most common patterns I have seen in dealing with couples in the traumatic-tricky stages of their relationships is what I call ‘The Lonely Warrior and the Fearful Refugee’. This is when one partner feels neglected or unheard, and the other feels constantly attacked.

Whenever couples talk of this pattern I get the image of an old walled palace in a remote desert. The Fearful Refugee is huddled, shaking behind the wall, while the Lonely Warrior is standing tearfully on the outside, bow and arrow in hand, feeling abandoned. The Lonely Warrior shoots arrows at the wall in a desperate attempt to communicate and be close to the person behind the wall, but in doing so hurts and scares the Refugee more. So the Fearful Refugee builds a bigger wall to huddle behind.

The Lonely Warrior then feels more shut out and desperate, so brings out the canons to try to break down the wall. The Fearful Refugee, in response to the assault, builds an even bigger and thicker wall, which adds to the Lonely Warrior’s hurt and desperation. And so the pattern goes on, with both sides feeling more and more desperate and powerless. Both get stuck in trying to cope with the problem in the same habitual way, so it continues to escalate.

It is usually, although not always, the male partner in a heterosexual relationship who plays the part of the Fearful Refugee, while the female partner is typically the Lonely Warrior.  Women traditionally cope with problems by expressing and communicating, while men often find it comforting to withdraw and have space when they are upset.

HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE

The first step breaking this cycle, as with any dysfunctional relationship cycle, is awareness. It is not easy to stay mindful of our habitual thoughts and responses, especially when we feel emotional, but it is important to learn this skill. Catch yourself as soon as you can. Before you start engaging in the behaviour is the best time, but failing that, at any time during the cycle is a good start.

Try to relax your body in that moment to let go the growing anger. Breathing out can help to calm the mind. Remind yourself that this is a habitual and dysfunctional way of reacting to your partner, and what you are doing is making things worse for both of you and the relationship. Remind yourself that the relationship is worth changing for, that the other person is reacting like that out of vulnerable feelings, like hurt and fear. Both of you are.

If you typically cower behind a wall, try to open up, listen, and calmly reflect back what the other has said to show them that you heard them. Look into their eyes and touch them if you comfortably [and safely!] can. If you, on the other hand, typically bombard the other with questions, demands and accusations, then stop and be quiet to give them the psychological space to calm down. If they physically leave, then remind yourself that this is merely their way of coping.  Try not to take it too personally. In both cases, try to keep your heart open and connected with theirs, to sooth their pain and fear.

THE POWER OF THE APOLOGY

A simple apology for your part in the dysfunctional cycle can be a powerful diffuser, and can reduce the power of future incidents by helping you both become more aware. If you miss the opportunity during the cycle, find a time soon after the event, when both of you are calm, and apologise for your contribution.  Even if you think it was more their fault than yours, try to make a sincere apology for the part you played. For instance, you could say, “ I’m really sorry we argued, and I’m sorry that I withdrew from you. It’s my way of coping when I’m upset, but I realise that it upsets you, so I want to learn to respond in a different way.”  Obviously you would replace ‘withdrew from you’ with ‘bombarded you’, or similar, if you were the Lonely Warrior, rather than the Fearful Refugee.

It’s not easy to apologise; particularly if you have been taught that it is weak, or that it’s not OK to admit any human error in life. It’s important to remember that mistakes are part of being human; particularly the mistakes we make in human relationships. And there is almost never anyone who is one hundred percent right or one hundred percent wrong in any relationship issue. So there is nothing wrong with admitting that you can improve.

Remember to keep your tone level and free of sarcasm, and avoid any attempts to shift the blame away from you with ‘But’ statements, such as, “But I wouldn’t need to do that if you would stop blah blah blahing.”

Try to apologise with an open heart from a place of gentle assertive power.  Feel the mature strength in yourself as you tame and soothe your immature human ego that desperately wants to say, “But it wasn’t my fault.”

BE PATIENT

Now don’t, and this is very important, expect an apology back from the other side.  They might not yet have your level of strength and self awareness, and might not be as good as you at taming their ego. Give them time to learn and develop. We all have different levels of abilities in different areas of life at different times.

It can be frustrating when you change and your partner doesn’t.  But if you change your part in the cycle, your old dysfunctional cycle can’t exist, so your partner will learn they have to respond to you from a different place in a different way.  The best way of helping them on the path to self awareness and change is to practice it yourself.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and your partner. It usually takes a while to get this stuff right. If the dysfunction continues, seek help from a professional, experienced relationship counsellor.

I would love your feedback on your progress. You can leave a comment in the box, or email me privately at Lorri@lorricraig.com.

Happy relating.

Lorri Craig