Children are rarely fussy when it comes to junk food.

A fussy eater is every parent’s nightmare. Feeding children is one of the basic responsibilities of being a parent, so when a child refuses to eat well, parents naturally feel worried and frustrated.

The more anxious and frustrated a parent becomes over a child’s refusal to eat certain foods,  the harder they try to get the child to eat.  Normally this starts with gentle encouragement, then firmer direction.

For some children that’s okay if it’s not overdone. But many children react to being forced to eat something they don’t like by objecting and refusing. Parents don’t like to be disobeyed,  and are concerned that their child gets enough nutrition to ward off illness and develop healthily. They love their child, and that’s their job.

So the parents get more frustrated and angry, and the child reacts by becoming more upset and stubborn. This is not the most conducive of environments for appetite stimulation, so the targeted food becomes less and less appealing as the tension mounts.

The Appetite Cycle

Donald Winnicott, a famous expert in early parent child relationships, did a little study with mothers and babies in his clinic in the 1930s. When the baby was sitting on the mother’s knee, Winnicott put a shiny object on the table in front of them. He noticed that the child looked at the object for quite a while, then started salivating, then picked the object up and put it in his mouth. This was the normal and natural series of events.  Children have an instinctive desire to taste and feel things with their mouths.

But what was really interesting was that, if the mother [at Winnicott’s request] picked up the object straight away and tried to put it in the baby’s mouth before the baby had time to observe and desire it, the baby would usually reject the object.

What this illustrates is that we humans need to be able to develop our appetite for foods. When a child is forced to eat something that she hasn’t had the opportunity to desire, she is likely to not want it. If the parent continues to force the child to eat and the child gets upset, she will associate that food with the uncomfortable experience, and dislike it more. So the negative cycle deepens.

Negative Attention

And how is all that parent focus affecting the child’s behaviour? Well, even though the child does not consciously enjoy or want the angry, nagging, worried attention of her parents, attention is attention. We know that intense attention from adults usually encourages the behaviours it is focused on, so when the parent freaks out over the child’s fussy eating, it can actually make things worse.

On top of that, it is common for fussy eaters to be labelled as such in the family. So the child who overhears himself being described as a ‘terrible eater’, or someone who ‘only eats bread and cheese’ now has a label, an identity. He doesn’t want to give away his identity in a hurry, so he becomes fussier and fussier, and more and more rigid.

So what should parents do?

The key is to not make a fuss and try to force your child to eat. Instead, try to relax and trust that they will be OK. Try to give less attention to the fussy child for not eating outside their rigid staple foods, and more attention when they experiment with other foods, even if it’s just a taste.  Children are suckers for praise and encouragement, and they will usually prefer positive, warm attention, over anger and stress.

Perhaps you could put a small quantity of some untried or disliked in the past foods on a separate plate behind your child’s plate, and allow them to try them if they choose, without getting stressed and angry if they refuse. Resist the temptation to remind them to eat the new foods. If they don’t try them, just take the plate away calmly, without comment.

Alternatives to cooked vegetables

Think outside the box. If they dislike cooked vegetables, offer them raw vegetables. Kids are often fussy about textures, so allow them to find textures they like. Most kids like raw carrots, so you could make carrot sticks, or just wash a carrot and put that on a plate. Many children enjoy munching away like a bunny. Try a little peanut butter, almond butter, or cream cheese in a stick of celery. Fruits are a great aternative to vegetables too. Fresh raw fruit,  low-sugar fruity deserts, and sundried fruits are all good.

Kids Love Games

You could try turning the situation into a fun game. For instance, you could tell them the ‘Rules of the Game’, is that they don’t have to eat any of the new foods, but for every piece they eat, they will get a counter, or a stamp or a tick on a chart, and once they have, say, five ticks, they can ‘WIN’ one of a selection of items. The number of ticks required could increase each week or month as they get better at it, like going up a level in a computer game.

Free Rewards are Best

Now at this stage many parents fall in the trap of promising expensive gifts or time consuming outings. But big rewards are not necessary. Most children respond well to free fun stuff, like hand made ‘vouchers’ offering 15 minutes playing cards with Dad, or 15 minutes playing ball with Mum. Just remember to make them do-able and follow through with the promises.

As well as ticks and rewards, give the child lots of praise and attention for every piece of new food they eat at first, then every second or third time, and gradually give praise now and then. Remember to incorporate the successfully tried foods on to the child’s plate once they have tried and liked them. Maybe an additional reward could be given for that step.

You could get everyone in the family in on giving praise and attention, including grandparents, aunts and uncles, but be careful to make it age appropriate, and not embarrassing for your child.

Medical Advice Can Help You Relax

If you are really worried about your child’s weight, growth and health, get advice from a doctor, nutritionist, or dietitian, if only to alleviate your anxiety. But again, be careful what you or they say in front of your child. It might be sensible to have a separate appointment or telephone appointment without your child first to discuss your concerns.

Powerful Positive Labels

Finally, remember to change your labels for your child. Instead of being somebody who is ‘fussy’ and ‘never eats anything’, start referring to your child as being  ‘really brave with food now’, and ‘getting really good at trying new foods as she’s getting older’.

All of this should gradually shift the problem and change your fussy child into an adventurous connoisseur. You might even have to start hiding the caviar and sauteed snails.

I hope this helps. Let me know what you think and how you went by leaving a comment in the box. I’d love to hear from you. For more parenting tips and strategies for dealing with children’s challenging behaviour, go to my special site for parents: CHILD TRAINING SECRETS.

Happy parenting.

Lorri Craig

Psychologist, MAPS