Tag Archives: Child behaviour

Parenting tips for managing children’s emotional and behavioural problems.

The Challenge of the Autistic Child

angry autistic boy ASD

I sometimes try to imagine what it would like to be a child with an Autistism Spectrum Disorder [ASD]. To the child with autism the world can often be incredibly irritating, loud, uncomfortable, scary and confusing.

Imagine being in a crowded space, with lots of bright, flashing lights; loud, piercing noises; people crowding in, yelling at you and each other in a language you can’t understand; horrid, overpowering smells; and, amidst it all, someone beside you screams piercingly in your ear. [That actually sounds like places I have paid money to get into!! :-)]

Then imagine you try to get someone to help you to escape, but they don’t understand you or won’t listen. You are powerless and frustrated and scared. You try harder to get your wishes met, you shout, you scream; your terror and frustration rising.

Welcome to the world of the autistic child.

 

Environmental Triggers

It is not always as bad as this. Often the autistic child is quite relaxed and happy. It all depends on the place, the child’s  personality, their  emotional state at the time, and precursors or triggers that might have contributed to their  sense of frustration or fear. These factors can increase the charge in the child’s already over sensitive nervous system, making even the mildest sensory experience, or smallest fear or frustration, seem unbearable.

Each child will have different things that set them off. The variety is unlimited, but triggers can include sounds, lights, smells, crowds, pain, uncomfortable clothes or shoes, hunger, perceived abandonment, a judgemental look, a hurtful comment, a confusing social interaction or instruction, a nightmare, an unplanned event, or, very commonly, not being able to have or do what they want to.

“The autistic child is often operating just below the red zone.”

These sorts of things can stress us all out, and all of us are capable of losing the plot at times, but the autistic child is often operating just below the red zone, so it doesn’t take much to tip them way over the edge. And triggers can impact abruptly, or build up gradually and cumulatively, until the child can suddenly no longer cope.

The autistic child’s angry and/or frightened reactions can be very confusing and frustrating for the child’s family, friends and teachers. I have heard many parents describe their autistic child as like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute they seem relaxed and happy, the next, World War Three strikes.  And this can happen in the most embarrassing places, such as in a shopping centre or at a social gathering, which adds to the parent’s horror and frustration.

Variation in the Autistic Spectrum

Not all autistic children are equal in their levels of sensitivity, or in their reactions to discomfort or frustration. It depends on each child’s own unique neurological peculiarities, as well as their personality and experiences. The autistic spectrum incorporates a huge range of function, anxiety, sensory sensitivity, communication skills, and emotional regulation.

Also, like all children, children on the Autism Spectrum usually get better at managing their emotions as they get older, with the exception of the hormonal pubescent years, which can decrease frustration tolerance and increase the intensity of emotional responses, as is typical in any adolescent child, although sometimes more so for the ASD child. Some ASD adolescents can be very aggressive and difficult to manage, particularly as they grow in physical strength and stature, whilst some have no bigger emotional meltdowns than non ASD young people. Others tend to internalise their responses, or avoid uncomfortable situations, becoming increasingly withdrawn and moody, again, like a lot of teenagers, only more so.

Communication Problems

ASD children can vary enormously in their communication skills, from having almost no language, to appearing to be very competent communicators. However, even those children at the top end of the communication spectrum, often fail to get the subtle messages and social nuances that non-autistic children instinctively understand.

Obsessive Thinking

Another difference is that autistic children can be more rigid and obsessive in their thinking. They often insist on things being done a certain way and they can find it harder to let go of issues. Thoughts and feelings that would come and go in the normal child get lodged in the ASD mind, and, like an uncomfortable stone in a shoe, they can be very difficult to ignore, creating increasing pain and distress. Sometimes these thoughts and feelings can be about external factors, including other people, and sometimes they can be about the child himself.

Aggression and Self Harm

In an attempt to release and manage this intense psychological tension, some ASD children will become aggressive, or even violent, while some stressed ASD children resort to hurting themselves physically. These self administered ‘treatments’ can include banging their head, pulling their hair, punching walls, picking their skin, or even cutting their arms and legs.

How to Help an Autistic Child

For all these reasons and more, caring for a child with an ASD can be very challenging. However, there are certain things parents and teachers can do to reduce the chances of overload, depending on the particular difficulties and age of the child.

  • Stay calm and cool, no matter what. [Easier said than done, I know, but stress is contagious and good role modelling is vital.]
  • Remember you are in charge, not the child. Be calm and loving, but strong and assertive.
  • Keep a record of situations leading up to a meltdown to determine the child’s triggers.
  • Ask the child about possible precursors, once they are calm, but don’t press them if they don’t know.
  • Encourage the child to engage in enjoyable physical activities to release tension.
  • Build the child’s self esteem.
  • Use positive labels when talking about the child.
  • Plant the idea that the child is getting better at managing their emotions and responses as they are getting older.
  • Increase attention and rewards for desirable behaviour, or when the child has managed their reactions, even is tiny ways.
  • Decrease attention for unwanted behaviour.
  • Help other children to understand and cope with the child’s behaviours, but, if the ASD child has been violent, focus on the comforting the hurt child.
  • Have clear, manageable consequences for unacceptable behaviour, as close as possible to the event.
  • Avoid taking the child to uncomfortable places, such as big noisy shopping centres.
  • Let the child know in advance of planned activities.
  • Break instructions down into small steps.
  • Create laminated task sheets with pictures for routine activities, such as getting ready for school.
  • Provide colour coded time-sheets and maps at school.
  • Provide one to one help in the classroom to help the child understand lessons and relax.
  • Calm, comfort and distract the distressed child.
  • Experiment with ways to help the child feel contained, such as hugging, wrapping tightly, or weighting down with a heavy pillow or weighted clothing.
  • Encourage the child to earth or ground themselves, such as by taking their shoes off on grass, touching trees or plants, gardening without gloves, or immersing part of their body in water.
  • Get some support for yourself and the child as required.

Look After Yourself

The bottom line is that the parent or teacher of the autistic child has to do all the things that the parent or teacher of the non-autistic child has to do, only more so. They have to be more than good parents and teachers; they must be super parents and teachers.  Most need a great deal of support, education, and understanding, as well as outlets for emotional release, such as talking and exercise, in order to cope with challenges they face; much like their ASD child does.

Child Behaviour Strategies: Focus on What You Want

When parents come to me for help with a child, they naturally start by telling me what is wrong with their child and what behaviours or emotional responses they would like to get rid of or change.  That is totally understandable.

If a child is frequently acting in a way that is inappropriate, unacceptable, annoying, or worrying, it is reasonable that the parents would focus on those bad behaviours and reactions in an attempt to stop or modify them; especially if the parents have got to the stage of seeking help from a psychologist. By that time they are usually tearing their hair out with frustration and losing sleep.

When I observe these parents and children together, I notice that the concerned parents often spend a great deal of time and energy giving negative attention to the children’s unwanted behaviours in an attempt to stop them. Again, this is totally natural and understandable.

Attention Encourages Behaviour

The problem is that every time the parents focus their attention on unwanted behaviours, they inadvertently encourage those behaviours, particularly if the child is hungry for attention. Some children need an enormous amount of attention, and they can unconsciously develop a taste for bad attention if that becomes their main source.

A powerful strategy when you are dealing with an attention seeking child, is to pay more attention to the behaviours and reactions that you want, and less attention to the behaviours and reactions that you don’t want.

Focus on What You Want

If you focus on desirable behaviours and give them your love and positive attention, you will nurture and encourage those positive behaviours. It’s a bit like watering, fertilising and protecting flowers in a garden, and allowing the weeds to wilt and be trampled in a natural way.

It is sometimes difficult to see the positive in a child who has driven you crazy with their disobedience, or laziness, or inability to listen and follow instructions , or silly behaviour, or rudeness, or dangerous antics, or anxiety, or aggression, or temper tantrums.  Many parents of challenging children find it very hard to find anything they feel worthy of positive attention.

Start with Small Seeds

But remember, beautiful flowers grow from small seeds. You have to make a conscious effort to turn your habitual attention giving around, so that you notice and acknowledge positive behaviours, even if only tiny things.

Try to notice and acknowledge when your attention seeking child plays quietly by himself for even a minute. Smile and give a thumbs up when your argumentative children agree over which TV program to watch. Praise your dreamy child when she manages to follow  a small instruction. High five your angry child when he gets through a short shopping expedition without a tantrum.

Gradually Expect More

Make sure the praise and attention suit the age, personality and maturity of the child. As your child gets better at taking these small steps, you can reduce the frequency of your praise and raise the bar slowly, and as they mature acknowledge this with the expectation that things will keep improving. ‘You are getting better and better at staying calm as you get older. Well done.”

Want More Help?

If you are interested in other parenting tips, get a copy of my free twelve part e-book, ‘12 Super Child Training Secrets’. Or, if you are after a much more comprehensive and intensive training that you could do at home in your own time and pace, check out my parent training package, ‘How to Manage Your 3 to 10 Year Old Child’.  The links to both are on www.Psychology ThroughTheInternet.com, on the right hand side of the page.

Happy parenting.

Lorri Craig

Can a Difficult Birth Create Psychological Problems Later?

It is well known that psychological trauma of any sort can have a lasting, damaging effect on human beings. The earlier the trauma, the more profound the effect, so the impact of a difficult birth on the infant as he develops  into a child and adult can be especially significant.

The Birth Experience

Imagine being a fetus. Imagine floating comfortably in the warm, soft, dark, fluid space of your mother’s womb, drifting in and out of sleep, surrounded by muffled sounds and heartbeats.

Then imagine the sudden shock of being awakened, and pushed and squeezed into the harsh, stark, and noisy outside world, amid your mother’s pained shrieks, racing heart, and adrenalin charged system.

Add to that the strain of an unusually long labour, painful forced delivery, or a life threatening situation, such as being strangled by the umbilical cord, and you have a major traumatic event. Then add the inevitable distress of the mother, to whom the baby is psychologically and energetically linked, and you have a super trauma.

And try to imagine, on top of all that, the added distress on the newborn infant of being removed from the mother for emergency treatment: the infant’s or hers.

What an incredibly cruel, loveless, unpredictable and scary place the world would seem to the distressed newborn.

That is the experience and sensation that is imprinted onto the traumatised neonate’s untainted mind.  A newborn’s immature nervous system is purely unconscious mind, combined with life or death driven emotion, so it does not have the cognitive capacity to be able to sort experiences and make sense of the world in a logical, conscious way. Its mind is like a blank sheet on which is printed the first experiences. And this imprint becomes the blueprint on which the child’s life and future experiences are fashioned.

Long Term Psychological Effects

Children who have had traumatic births are more likely to be anxious or aggressive than their easy-birth counterparts. Of course genetics and many other factors come into the equation too, but, if all else was equal, the child who was traumatised at birth would be more vulnerable to psychological problems.

Separation from the mother at birth, as well as the mother’s own post-trauma stress response, can affect the early bonding between the mother and child, which is another major factor in the child’s psychological development.

As a clinician, whenever I am presented with a highly anxious, angry, or oppositional child, I always ask the parents about the child’s trauma history, including their birth experience.  Actually I do this with my adult clients too. And very often the links are obvious.

Effective New Treatment

Modern psychological treatment can help to correct the psychological damage of a traumatic birth. Therapies such as EMDR [Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing], EFT [Emotional Freedom Technique], and AIT [Advanced Integrative Therapy] are particularly powerful.

I mainly use AIT in my practice today, and find that it is incredibly effective for dealing with the effects of early trauma. AIT uses kinesiology, or muscle testing, to help the clinician and the client communicate with the client’s unconscious, to determine which early traumas might be affecting them in the present. I find that traumatic births are indicated quite often.

The really good news is that clearing the birth trauma with AIT is quite simple and straightforward, and once the early traumas and their links to presenting problems are cleared, and the blueprint is recreated with a clear, conscious mind, the client is able to let go of lifelong symptoms, such as excessive anxiety, fear of abandonment, anger and control issues.  This is incredibly exciting stuff.

Lorri Craig practices AIT in her own private practice in Brighton and Hove, UK, and internationally by phone or Skype. To find out more about AIT go to the article on this site: WHAT IS ADVANCED INTEGRATED THERAPY?

Image thanks to arztsamui at freedigitalphotos.net

Child Behavior: Is Too Much Attention Bad for Children?

Parents are often encouraged to give their children attention, but too much of the wrong kind of attention for the wrong kind of behaviour can be bad for children.

Point one: Children love and need attention, and for many reasons, some children need much more attention than others.

Point two: Attention tends to increase the behaviour that it follows.

Point three: If those children who are hungry for attention are not getting enough positive attention, but at the same time are getting a lot of negative attention, then they can develop a taste, or even a craving, for the negative attention.

What this means when it is all added together is that, when you give an attention-seeking child your attention for the behaviours you don’t like, even if that attention is anger, nagging, or lecturing, you are actually training them to increase the frequency and intensity of those unwanted behaviours.

If, for instance, your attention-seeking child refuses to do what s/he’s told, and you get angry in response you are giving them an enormous amount of intense focussed attention, so this is likely to encourage the defiant behaviour.

I’m not saying that the average attention-seeking child consciously enjoys angry attention. To the contrary, most children find it uncomfortable and distressing. But it’s the child’s powerful unconscious mind that is calling the shots, and enjoying the intense attention, as well as the power of having their parents respond predictably, as if on remote control.

Point 4: Parents can get in the habit of giving negative attention to their children for unwanted behaviour; that is, they can get addicted to their own angry, critical reaction.

When a parent is repeatedly frustrated by a child, it is easy to get in the habit of criticising them, not trusting them, and finding many things they do as irritating or deliberately provoking. This habit can develop in any close relationship, be it with a spouse, sibling, parent or child. But in the parent-child relationship the effect can be very destructive.

Children tend to internalise the messages and labels a parent gives them. So if they are frequently being criticised by a parent, they will eventually believe that they are the naughty, difficult person they are told they are.

So what’s the answer?

The solution is simple. To help them get over their craving for negative attention, the attention seeking child must be given copious quantities of positive attention, and simultaneously be starved of negative attention.

So, if you have a child who is frequently disobedient or angry:

  • Minimise the attention you give to them for the unwanted behaviour.
  • Put into place a clear strategy, such as counting followed by time out, to deal with the behaviour, and use this consistently and persistently.
  • Avoid discussion or too much eye contact.
  • Stay calm but strong.
  • Keep mindful that your child is not consciously trying to provoke you, they are just reacting to the situation in a way that their unconscious mind [with the help of your training] has taught them to react.
  • Ignore the small stuff. Only use the discipline strategy with the worst behaviours. You can work on any other annoying behaviours once they master these.
  • And finally, give them plenty of positive attention for the opposite, desirable behaviours. For instance, give them plenty of praise when they obey a command, or play nicely with their sibling, or get ready for school on time. This step is crucial, especially whilst you are weaning them off their addiction to negative attention.
  • As well as verbal praise and touch, you could introduce age appropriate reward systems to encourage them, such as tokens that could be spent on fun activities with you, like playing a card game, or kicking a ball.

Persistently applying these simple strategies should reduce the bad behaviour, increase the good behaviour, improve your child’s self esteem, and improve your relationship with your child.

Good luck and happy parenting.

We Think and Feel What We Eat

Food is essential to human life, and it can feel good to eat, but how does what we consume affect our mental and emotional states once we have left the dinner table?

Some Stuff is Bad

Loads of studies have linked diet to mental health. Some studies look at the affect of toxic substances on our emotions. We know, for instance, that caffeine can increase anxiety, and too much sugar can play havoc with our blood sugar levels and that this can affect our mood and energy levels.

Alcohol helps most of us feel relaxed and happy in the moment, but the after effects can include low mood, irritability, and low energy [not to mention that headache].  Many studies have linked artificial food additives to behaviour disorders, such as hyperactivity and aggression, in some children.

Some Stuff is Good

On the other side, it is well known that a lack of certain nutrients can also negatively affect our mental state. A deficiency in some of the B vitamins can lead to restlessness, irritability and insomnia. Lack of folic acid can lead to low mood and low energy, which are the main symptoms of depression.

Low iron levels can also cause tiredness, and can affect our ability to think. Not enough vitamin C can affect the absorption of iron, and has been linked to depression, schizophrenia and dementia.

Many adults have reduced their anxiety levels, improved their mood, and improved their cognitive ability by taking omega 3 supplements, or foods rich in omega 3, such as oily fish and krill. I have known children diagnosed with ADHD who have benefited from omega 3 supplements to the point that they did not need to take prescription drugs.

Orthomol..er..Food Psychiatry

But why does one person benefit from a particular food or supplement, while another does not?

Linus Pauling, founder of Orthomolecular Medicine, believes that, due to variations in our genetic makeup and exposure to toxic substances, different people require different diets for optimum health. Pauling has successfully treated a range of mental disorders through Orthomolecular Psychiatry, including serious mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia and clinical depression. He uses extensive testing to determine what his patients are lacking at a cellular level, then increases or decreases particular nutrients or substances as appropriate.

It would be difficult to test us all so thoroughly at this stage in our technical evolution, but another solution is to reduce the toxins and bad stuff in our diets, and increase our intake of healthy foods.

Super Foods

David (Avocado) Wolfe, health guru and star nutritionist, believes that certain foods, such as raw chocolate and goji berries, have extremely high levels of nutrients that are essential for optimum health and emotional well-being.  Wolfe thinks that we should be eating more raw food, because the cooking process damages many nutrients in our food. He’s a great believer in blending raw fruits and superfoods into delicious smoothies. Not such a penance really.

H2O for the Soul

Finally, adequate clean water is essential for optimum mental health.  Dehydration can make us feel tired and grumpy, and can affect our ability to think. Whenever I am working therapeutically with clients, I encourage them to drink a glass or two of water during and after treatment. Emotional clearing works the nerve cells and creates chemical debris. Water pumps up the nervous system and clears away debris and toxins, thus assisting the therapeutic process.

So, make sure you are drinking plenty of water, eating plenty of healthy food, including a few superfoods and more raw fruit and vegetables, and reduce your intake of damaging substances, such as alcohol, caffeine, sugar and artificial additives, and you will probably begin to feel and think a whole lot better.

Happy eating

Lorri

CHILDREN, SEPARATION and DIVORCE: Coping with Parent Wars

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Separation can be a difficult time for everyone, but the effects on children can be profound and long lasting, particularly when there is  conflict between the parents.

Children are delicate and sensitive beings. They naturally love and identify with both parents, and have a right to do so.  When their basic family unit is shattered, so too is the child’s sense of the world as stable and consistant.  They grieve their  family, desperately miss which ever parent they are not with, and fear that they could lose everyone in their life at any moment. Sadly, on top of this they often lose their pattern of contact with grandparents and extended family, and they might even have to move home and school, so lose friends and teachers. So it’s not surprising that all this can feel overwhelming, confusing and distressing for children.

Add to that mix ongoing conflict between the parents, and you have far more than most children can cope with.

MINI DOUBLE AGENT

Imagine the situation. You are a child and you are living with one parent following a separation, let’s say it’s your mother. You really miss your Dad, and you want to see him, but you know your mother hates him. You know that from the way she and your father argue, and from what you overhear her telling her friends and family. You love your Mom and naturally want to be loyal to her and do what she wants. If she hates your Dad, then she would want you to feel the same way.

You hate the tension and arguments that happen every time you see Dad. Often these arguments are about you: how dirty you’re clothes are, how much you’ve had to eat, what time you are collected or returned, whether or not you can go to a birthday party, who has you for the holidays, and, of course, child support money. You feel somehow responsible.

You want to help your Mom when you see how upset she is after an argument, so you tell her you don’t want to see Dad again. You even think of bad things to say about your father or his family to please your mother, particularly if she digs for them. After all, you and your Mom are a team, a battalion, and he is the enemy. It’s the right thing to do.

But then you think about your Dad and feel really guilty for being disloyal to him. You miss him and want to see him, but you can’t tell Mom that, it would only upset her. You feel like a double agent and it is all so confusing.

If you are forced to go on contact visit, you feel like you are climbing under the enemy lines and dodging bullets from both sides. You protest, of course. But once you are safely on the other side, out of the conflict zone, you relax and begin to have a great time with your Dad and his family. You’d almost forgotten how much you loved them, and what fun your Dad was, and how great your grandmother’s cooking was. But all these warm feelings just  increase your confusion and guilt  about the bad things you said to your mother. So you make up for it by telling Dad something bad about Mum. You are are team, after all, a battalion, and now she is the enemy….

No wonder being exposed to parental wars screws up kids.

HELPING YOUR CHILDREN COPE WITH SEPARATION CONFLICT

Children feel most comfortable when parents are on the same team saying the same thing. When you separate, or are about to separate, it is important to give your children a sense of this team work. They need to know that, even though you are living apart, you are still working together as their parents and want what is best for them.

HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEPARATION

It’s best to stand together and tell them that Mom and Dad are separating, but that you both still love them and will continue to see them and be their Mom and Dad. Children often feel responsible for their parent separation, so it is important to assure them that it had nothing to do with anything they said or did.

There is no need to tell your children who is responsible for the separation and why. Soiling their view of the other parent only confuses them and and hurts their self esteem. And besides, it is just your view. You normally protect them from information about the sexual side of your relationship because it’s inappropriate for them and they don’t have the maturity to digest it properly.  By the same token you should protect them from information about the separation and any ongoing issues.

BE LIKE THE FRUIT GROCER

Try to be hospitable towards each other in front of your children. That doesn’t mean you should spend a lot of time in each other’s company following a separation. Quite the opposite. The more time you are together when you are still in the grief and anger stage, the more chance you have of pushing each other’s raw, exposed buttons.

Diplomacy is the key. Keep access changovers friendly, but brief, and stick to the business at hand: that is, the children. Let the other parent know of illnesses and injuries and, of course positive experiences, but there’s no need for a lot of detail and you must avoid indulging in negative emotions.

I often equate this to the interaction you might have with your local fruit grocer. Ideally you smile and say hello, then ask how crunchy the apples are today. He replies in a friendly tone that the green apples are great this week. You buy a bag and leave, with a friendly thank you and good bye.  You don’t spend long hanging around, you don’t talk about personal things, you don’t go into the owner’s private area out the back, and you certainly are not rude and critical. Keep it brief, friendly and simple.

MEDIATION CAN HELP

Try to stick to agreed plans for contact visits, but be flexible if possible when it’s important for the child, and communicate clearly about arrangements and your child between visits. If you are have difficulty negotiating arrangements without arguing, bring in a professional mediator to help.

Try to protect your child from negative comments about the other parent from you and your friends and family. Encourage your child to have a positive relationship and positive feelings about the other parent and their family, even if your child says that the other parent has been negative about you or your family. Remember, they might want to ‘shoot’ the other side to show their loyalty to you, and, even if your child is telling the truth, two wrongs definitely do not make a right. If you do think the other parent is continuing to be negative about you, or is rude and aggressive at contact changovers, invite them to joint counselling or therapeutic mediation with a quality child focused service.

The bottom line is, children have a right to have a  loyal, positive, loving relationship with both parents, without guilt and stress. Do your best to help yours achieve that, and try not to let your own feelings get in the way. If you are finding this difficult, find a professional counsellor to help you cope.

MORE FROM ME

Good luck with this. I would love to hear your questions and comments. Leave them in the box below, or, if you prefer, you could send me a private email at Lorri@lorricraig.com, and I’ll do my best to respond quickly.

Also, I am releasing a series of training videos for parents soon called, How to Manage Your 3 to 10 Year Old Child.  If you are interested in the prelaunch super discount, please put your first name and email address in the box on the right.

Happy parenting,

Lorri Craig